Easy Virtue (1899) wrote in mental_nudists,
Easy Virtue

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Getting Gas

Completely split. Fractured, fragmented, divided into two halves. One takes care of the basics, like walking and avoiding contact with hard and/or sharp surfaces. It takes control of the hands when typing or driving needs to be accomplished, it controls the mouth when "thank you" and "oops!" need to be spoken. It laughs at jokes it can't understand, it tenses with anger and flinches in pain, gyrates and moves and slides and crawls, rotates the eyes left and right so that the other half... The other sits at a desk somewhere damp and musty, pouring over drawings and insects and books and serums and samples and drugs and food and love and creates things.
It never blinks.
never sleeps.
never leaves that space in the farthest corner of the mind, where it works relentlessly, insanely, tearing apart all the things you've forgotten, memories and dreams, passages and quotes, numbers, faces, lives, universes, recycling them and making them new, and the two halves work together like this, one completely physical, gathering observations and attempting normalcy on a social level to keep the other half from being locked in a padded cell, and the other invisible, unreachable, complex

I had an expirience today. I was in my car
and it was cold
and I needed gas
and so I drove
and minutes passed
and I couldn't remember where I was.

I was so absorbed in everything I was thinking there was no clarity
i just flew past everything and everyone and for a moment
i thought
i was losing my vision because the physical couldnt gather the visual and so
i parked--

I miss people, most of my time is spent just missing people. Even people I never knew to begin with. Imaginary people, people I wish existed, or maybe do exist, and I'll forever regret never having met them somewhere. On line at the bank, maybe. At the next table in a cafe. I have these ideals, you know, but they are so unrealistic. I'm happy, but I'm not. That might be it, too. I'd like brown hair and soft skin sitting on a chair. Don't need a face. Don't need a body, even.

So I was in my car, and I had a purpose, but I caught myself wondering where the fuck I was going.
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